January 17, 2012
From a spiritual standpoint, sex is an experience that consecrates a union between two people that love each other. A bond is formed through this union and oneness is created between the two souls that shared themselves with the other. Often times, habits, or spirits, of one person is passed to the other. I’m finding this to be incredibly true.
Not too long ago, I was a person that never held on to the past. I was oddly fascinated at my ability to push things to the back of my head and out of the emergency exits of my mind. People. Events. Hurt. These things did not used to linger. I had mental and spiritual freedom. Freedom that caused me to wonder if I was actually free or severely numb. As of lately, I’ve been feeling again.
I know you to be a person who has a hard time of letting go of the past. That doesn’t make you a bad person. However, it does make you a person that hurt, disappointment, and anger seeps from. And in the great ‘Circle of Life’ fashion, you put out what you carry within. Those things that happened to you were not fair. You have endured so much hurt, and never really knew love in the process. This is the very thing that attracted me to you. I saw who I could have been had I not had this ability to let go. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to love you. And dare I say it, as if I am more human than anyone else, I wanted to save you. I moved forward, completely unaware of the toll that it would take on me mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I fought. All the while, fully aware of the ending result. Self inflicted pain at this point.
The truth is, you were my past just as quickly as you became my present. That baggage that you dumped onto my heart and into my soul during our consecration has had me stuck in this past. Parallel to you, my friend. Misery is a spirit that loves company and I see now how much it would love to take a huge bite out of my sanity. I will not let it. Today, I am letting this go. Simply because, that is all I know how to do. I pray that you find God and that He provides you the strength to do the same. But as for me, and my heart….
Posted January 17, 2012 at 4:09pm
I was strong. Well, up until just then. My mind has been racing, thinking about a billion different things. Things unrelated to the events of today, our final demise. We’ve died so many times. I had a brief second where my mind was clear. No planning for tomorrow. No melodies to write. No messages to respond to. No single thought. Mind clear. I don’t think I’ve ever not thought about anything at all. I had a moment of mental solitude. Then, I thought of you. I saw your face laying on this pillow next to me. Eyes full of sleep but staring back at me, waiting for mine to close so that you can finally rest. That look in your eyes, so familiar. Home. Yet, so quickly, a memory. Goodnight. Wherever you are.
Posted January 15, 2012 at 2:56am
Human.
I just experienced that crystallizing moment we humans have when we realize that we are just that…human! I don’t know why I expected myself to just bounce back from this. No pain. No wounds. No recovery time. I’d have to be heartless or Superman to just shake this off and keep it moving as if nothing ever happened. Honestly, I wish it were that simple.
The truth of the matter is, my heart was invested in this. All of my energy was invested in this. My time was invested in this. I let people go to keep this. I ‘ve sacrificed. I’ve fought. I’ve cried, for this. Or, should I say ‘that’. ‘This’ implies that something is still here, but the ache in my chest is reminder enough that you are not. This humbling moment caused me to take in life for exactly what it is. There are no super powers that can instantly put me back together again. I can’t rewind and change things to prevent this hurt. I can’t fast forward and skip this healing process. Reality slapped me hard. It shook me at the core, looked me straight in the eyes and said, “You’re not special, Corey. All any of you humans have is time.” So here I am, trying to be patient; Awaiting the day that I am healed from this.I just hope that it doesn’t take three years like my last bid.
Jehovah beautifully designed the human body. It is an organism that heals itself. Surely, the heart is included.
It’s the wanting you Never getting you Keeps me wanting you Missing you Just to picture you is what gets me through Fit for you I was meant for you What I was sent to do meant to do wasn’t meant for you
Hope I said that shit right
— Jhene Aiko said it best.
